What differentiates companies and teams whose people work together to achieve their mission from those who don’t? What is different about healthy families that unhealthy families fail to grasp? Why are most organizations stuck while a minority avoid the mud altogether?
In digital product development, to create something valuable and lasting, requires a team. There's too much work to do and it’s sufficiently complex that no one I know is specialized enough to do it all themselves. And yet, this ability today for teams and organizations to generate and sustain progress is rare.
Why is this? I believe it's because we've been looking for answers in the wrong places.
<h1>Flawed Views of Leadership: The (Un)Merry-Go-Round</h1>
Organizations, in a frantic effort to get ahead, are quick to turn to the latest methodology or technique. 4DX. OKR. Gazelles. Lean Startup. When the new technique fails to deliver, they go shopping for a new one. Sadly, they never take the time to consider that it might not be the technique's fault, but their organizational faults they are looking for the technique to overcome. So they stay on the merry go round, and for those of us who have experienced this, life is anything but merry.
If we only had more data, or the right technique, or if our employees had more autonomy, mastery, and purpose, we could make better decisions, get to the destination faster, and motivate people to make it happen.
<h1>What Leadership is Really About</h1>
In his book, “A Failure of Nerve”, Edwin Friedman argues that leadership isn’t about needing more data, it’s about maturity. It isn’t about technique, it’s about having the stamina needed to stay the course, and it isn’t about empathy, it’s about taking personal responsibility and encouraging others to do the same.
In my experience, no project I’ve been a part of has failed because we couldn’t figure out the technology, or we couldn’t generate the investment, or even that we weren’t nice or empathic enough to each other. It’s always been about leadership, and specifically a failure of nerve among leaders when it comes to the hard work of leading—of living with and leading in a healthy way the organization itself, taking principled stances, making decisions that are sometimes unpopular, and not allowing the immature and subversive to take the organization hostage. This, Friedman calls, "the well-differentiated leader".
<strong>Getting unstuck requires shifting our orientation to the way we think about relationships, from one that focuses on techniques that motivate others to one that focuses on the leader’s own presence and being.</strong>
This applies not only to businesses, but to all human-relational systems, be it families, churches, even our culture at-large.
<h5>==There is nothing more central to the health and progress of any organization than the emotional maturity of its leader(s). Without well differentiated leadership, even the most gifted leaders burn out and the most dynamic organizations swirl out of control.==</h5>
Becoming a well-differentiated leader has two immense benefits: the benefit of greater clarity, and the benefit of greater effectiveness.
(In this article, we'll focus on the benefit of greater clarity. In part two, we'll swing around to the benefit of greater effectiveness."
<h2>1. The Benefit of Greater Clarity</h2>
The first benefit is the ability to see clearly what is going on. Before you can do something about a problem, you have to understand what it is, and where possible, the cause-and-effect relationships driving the problem that lie below the surface.
Let's go deeper on this concept called differentiation.
<h3>Differentiation</h3>
What do I mean when I say "well-differentiated leadership" and why is it important?
Differentiation deals with the effort to define yourself, to control yourself, to become a more responsible person, and to permit others to be themselves as well. Differentiation is the ability to remain connected in relationship to significant people in our lives and yet not have our reactions and behavior determined by them.
The big idea is that organizational progress emanates from the differentiation, or emotional maturity, of its leaders, who must lead organizations characterized by the presence of anxiety (emotional immaturity). As a leader, an undue focus on changing the behavior of others is a fool's errand. The way you become a more differentiated person and leader is by focusing on yourself.
<h3>What is anxiety and where does it come from?</h3>
Since you probably weren't expecting me to talk about anxiety in a article about leadership, let's unpack what drives anxiety in individuals (this is true of leaders, too):
<h4>Feeling under attack</h4>
Do you ever wonder why certain things just trigger you?
Whenever people feel threatened or under attack...the emotional system begins to get out of control. The threat may not even appear particularly dangerous. It could just be a feeling people have when they are not getting what they wanted or expected from others or from their lives.
<h4>Driven by perceptions based on historical life experiences</h4>
The sense of being under attack often has to do with people’s perceptions, which are based on their life experience over many years. They tend to interpret present-day experiences in terms of those historical experiences. Because these historical experiences (particularly those in our family of origin) are so powerful for all of us, they tend to control our current functioning. (Ronald Richardson, Creating a Healthier Church, p. 42)
<h4>Threat = anxiety; can be acute and chronic</h4>
Anxiety can be acute— experienced in ways that make its presence unmistakable to us. But most of our everyday, or chronic, anxiety happens beyond our awareness, so that we are not conscious of how much it controls our functioning. (Richardson, p.42)
<h4>Issue is focus but not cause</h4>
The issues over which chronically anxious systems become concerned are more likely to be the focus of their anxiety rather than its cause.” (Edwin Friedman, A Failure of Nerve, p. 81)
<h4>Which causes us to recycle problems</h4>
When teams get fixed on their symptoms rather than on the emotional processes that keep those symptoms chronic, they will recycle their problems perpetually no matter what technical changes they make, how much advice they receive from experts, or how hard they try to understand their symptoms. (Friedman, p. 81)
<h4>Which raises chronic anxiety which causes the system to stay oriented to symptoms</h4>
The more systemic chronic anxiety becomes in any “family,” the more likely that relationship system is to stay oriented toward its symptoms, or more likely it is to engage in external crises or struggles , as a way to avoid facing the emotional processes that are driving that “family” to become symptomatic. (Friedman, p. 81)
<h3>What are characteristics of an anxious system and what does effective leadership look like in each?</h3>
<h4>Reactivity</h4>
Unhealthy emotional systems are marked by reactivity. The focus is on the latest, most immediate crisis (drama). Reality TV.
A well-differentiated leader doesn’t react to other people’s reactions; he or she is a calm, steady presence.
<h4>Blame Displacement</h4>
Unhealthy emotional systems are marked by blame displacement... It’s not my fault. The refusal to look inward, displays of anger, criticism, and blame indicates a refusal to take responsibility, which only heightens the overall anxiety. (The greater the focus is on another person as the “root” issue or the “focus” of the problem, the greater the likelihood that the issue is a refusal to address or focus on self. What is tragic is our blame, anger and criticism signals how much power we have allowed another person to have over us.)
A well-differentiated leader takes responsibility for himself and leads others to do the same.
<h4>Quick Fix Mentality</h4>
Unhealthy emotional systems are marked by a quick-fix mentality; relief from pain is more important than lasting change. This is evidenced by a low threshold for pain that constantly seeks symptom relief.
<pre><code>The fact that emotional processes/patterns continue, return or are passed on for generations suggest that quick fixes do little to change organizations or people. New insights, more compassion, longer conversations or better communication strategies may alleviate the presenting issue for a while, but does nothing about the more important, underlying anxiety. The reason is because the anxiety resides within the person. It has nothing do with the problem, which is merely the presenting issue. The issue can be addressed, but in time the anxiety will migrate to another presenting issue.
</code></pre>
A well-differentiated leader realizes that true long-term change requires discomfort, and he or she is willing to lead others through discomfort toward change.
<h4>Herding Instinct</h4>
Unhealthy emotional systems are marked by a herding instinct. When the forces for togetherness triumph over the forces for individuality and move everyone to adapt to the least mature members.
A well-differentiated leader has a strong sense of self and can effectively separate while remaining connected.
<h4>Poorly Defined Leadership</h4>
Unhealthy emotional systems are marked by poorly defined leadership. We allow ourselves to get caught up in triangles.
A well-differentiated leader takes decisive stands at the risk of displeasing others.
<h3>Implications for Leaders</h3>
<h4>Recognize our own anxiety</h4>
All of us choose these ineffective strategies in order to "lower" the anxiety in our lives. It is not that “other people” are highly anxious. Rather, it is to recognize that I am responding to these anxious people/situations in ways that reflect my own navigation of anxiety. My response reflects more about me than what the situation needs. In other words, I’m negotiating my own anxiety with these strategies. While I’ve likely told myself that I make these choices in order to help others, we often are unaware of how influential is the latent anxiety within our lives that has its genesis in our families of origin.
<h4>Recognize that responding in these ways only perpetuates the anxiety and keeps an organization or person "stuck”.</h4>
We help others by inviting them to a process that has hopefully begun in our own lives. We must resist allowing ourselves to be the rescuing person, even when attached. We must be willing to be perceived as cruel, insensitive or harsh if we are to address the deepest hurts/wounds of others.
We must have the courage to confront someone about their deficiencies and then to stand in the moment and deal with their reaction, which may not be pleasant. It is a selfless act, one rooted in a word that I don’t use lightly in a business book: love. To hold someone accountable is to care about them enough to risk having them blame you for pointing out their deficiencies. (Patrick Lencioni, The Advantage, p. 57)
<h4>Recognize that we cannot change others.</h4>
Jesus can change others. I cannot.
His timetable is usually different than mine
Stress comes from interfering in relationships
<h4>Recognize that we must make room for people, organizations, leaders, members, etc. to be “in process,” not “fixed” and to “disagree” with us, even excluding us.</h4>
The families whom we helped the most seemed to feel the least cared for People in perpetual crises. We often want to have our own needs met by helping others. We tend to think God is like us - since we don't want to see a mess doesn't mean he doesn’t.
<h2>2. The Benefit of Greater Effectiveness: Practical Applications</h2>
The upshot of all of this is that my focus as a leader in church ministry is not to be problem focused or even solution focused. Rather, <strong>my responsibility is to discern God’s call on myself in the midst of a highly anxious system. Knowing and taking responsibility for self then clarifies things for an individual, it also invites others, which is empowering in its own right, to take responsibility for self. This is the hard part!</strong>
- *There is no greater need in highly anxious systems than that of non-anxious, well-differentiated leadership, which remains calm, thoughtfully engages challenges and courageously acts to do what it thinks “right,” even when it may not be approved or appreciated by many in the system. **
The leader’s responsible and enlightened behavior will influence the situation more than any other action. (Steinke, p. 7)
Therefore, remaining calm, being guided by principle and having the courage to act are essential.
<h3>Break the cycle</h3>
It is important to distinguish well-differentiated leadership from autocratic leadership. We are not talking about someone who merely tells others what to do. Rather, we are talking about someone who takes well-defined, principled stands and is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional processes swirling about. I mean someone who can be separate while still remaining connected, and therefore can maintain a modifying, non-anxious, and sometimes challenging presence. I mean someone who can manage his or her own reactivity to the automatic reactivity of others, and therefore be able to take stands at the risk of displeasing. (Friedman, p. 14)
A well defined stand is not the right stand. You just have your reasons. It's not about trying to be right. A well defined stand is rooted in differentiation, not in values. Someone will say you are wrong and they might be right.
What's crucial in leadership is not being right, it's being able to be wrong yet still move forward
<h3>Don’t harbor terrorists</h3>
In order to move forward, well-defined, non-anxious positions must be enacted and maintained by the leader(s). It is understood that taking those sorts of positions will be experienced as painful for the organization’s most anxious members. Nevertheless, avoiding that pain has the undesirable impact of holding the entire system hostage to the least mature, most anxious member(s).
<h3>Resist false peace</h3>
Clearly defined, non-anxious leadership promotes healthy differentiation throughout a system, while reactive, peace-at-all-costs, anxious leadership does the opposite. (Friedman, p. 203)
<h3>Progress is through pain</h3>
There is no way out of a chronic condition unless one is willing to go through an acute, temporarily more painful, phase. This is another universal principle of emotional process…. Most individuals and most social systems, irrespective of their culture, gender, or ethnic background, will “naturally” choose or revert to chronic conditions of bearable pain rather than face the temporarily more intense anguish of acute conditions that are the gateway to become free. But what is also universally true is that over time, chronic conditions, precisely because they are more bearable, also tend to become more withering.” P. 81
<h3>Focus on self</h3>
There is no replacement for maintaining focus on self, which is an awareness of one’s own emotional being, reactivity and how the system is impacting your behavior. It is not the leader’s responsibility to change others, but to become a more mature self amidst the swirl of relationships.
Mature leadership begins with the leader's capacity to take responsibility for his or her own emotional being and destiny." (Friedman, p. 203)
<h3>Stay in your lane</h3>
People cannot hear you unless they are moving toward you, which means that as long as you are in a pursuing or rescuing position, your message will never catch up, no matter how eloquently or repeatedly you articulate your ideas." (Friedman, p. 203)
Stress is due to becoming responsible for the relationships of others.
People do not start listening to us until we stop “chasing” them. When we focus on self, we not only seek to address our own anxiety, we make room for others to hear our message. Instead of responding with anxiety to “our” anxiety, they are able to process a well-defined stance. They may not like it, but they are finally listening. A focus on others keeps us stuck in a swirl of reactivity.
The immature person who won't take care of themselves. As long as we chase them we are enabling them. When we stop we are loving them.
<h2>Conclusion</h2>
Differentiation and maintaining a non-anxious presence is always a process, which is never finally complete. Differentiation should be the direction of self that informs our leadership decisions. Like our sanctification, indeed, it is part of our sanctification and remains incomplete in this life. Therefore, we are never free from these challenges and areas of growth always remain.
For further reading:
A Failure of Nerve, Edwin H. Friedman
<strong>Pages</strong>: 260 / <strong>Approximate Reading Time</strong>: 6 hours
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